If I ever decide to quit Essential Gear Guide and move to the everglades the second thing I’ll do is buy the Hoverjet GT by Hovertachnics Inc. Then of course I’ll refill my prescription of stupid pills because I obviously used the entire bottle on that last decision. Seriously, unless you live in Antarctica why do you need one of these things? I’ll tell you why, because you have more money than you know what to do with, and along with reminding everyone 24 hours a day, you enjoy purchasing wanton frills that you’ll never use. I’m sure Mukesh Ambani has an entire floor of his new billion dollar house dedicated to chocolate waterfalls and hovercrafts.  If you still want the Hoverjet GT in spite of the intelligence that begot the finances of acquiring one, then you definitely deserve your trophy wife and the gonorrhea she contracted from the pool boy.

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Of all the items I’ve had a chance to review, the BreathKey by Omega Point Systems had to be one of the most fun, though if I were to even smell Patron again I would probably lose my cookies.
The Breathkey is a miniature alcohol breathalyzer that hooks to your keychain. Surprisingly it’s very easy to use; even as the night progresses. Press the button, wait when it tells you to wait, blow when it tells you to blow, and then the digital readout displays your estimated blood alcohol content; perfect for avoiding those unfortunate situations.  Extensive personal testing has shown that when the unit is used correctly (you don’t blow too hard or spit into it) it can be very accurate.  A handy device for woman that like to blow after drinking too much.

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It’s not fair, why is fried food good for my car and not me?
The Greasecar Vegetable Oil Conversion System is an auxiliary fuel modification system that allows diesel vehicles to run on waste vegetable oil.  This is great if you happen to own a fast food joint or you’re just a disgusting human being that subsides on deep fried twinkies and flash-fried donuts.  Personally, if I wouldn’t put it in my body, I wouldn’t put it in my vehicle, and that’s why my car runs on pure Columbian cocaine…and you thought gas was expensive. 

If you’re considering converting that old diesel engine to a more eco-friendly vegetable oil burner, the kit will run you between $800.00 and $2000.00 depending on preferences and your vehicle’s make, model and year.  You’ll also need it installed, unless you’re a true grease monkey! 

*By using waste vegetable oils as fuel, you’ll reduce fuel costs and toxic emissions while simultaneously supporting American obesity. 

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[Get It $1,000,000]

Hold the press, the Dutch have an athlete that could medal in Beijing, lets spend three years and $1,000,000 to increase his chances by an 8th of a percent!

Cycle maker Koga Miyata claims to have spent a million dollars on the development of a new bike frame for Olympic bound athlete Theo Bos. Of course with the American dollar acting like Patrick Swayze after chemotherapy, it’s not really that impressive. They should have said the bike cost 10,400,000 Mexican Pesos, that sounds pretty good.

Obviously this is a marketing maneuver by Koga to brand their name. If they really wanted Theo to bring home gold they would have spent their 630,000 Euros on a chemist, not fractional aerodynamics which makes as much difference as eating an orange ten minutes before the race opposed to nine.

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Toyota unveiled the Alessandro Volta Sports Hybrid concept car in 2004, so where is it? 

First off, who made the rule that hybrid vehicles must exude modesty by flaunting unappealing designs?  Does unpretentiousness equate to lack of taste, or more importantly, can’t I be ostentatious and eco-friendly at the same time?  I think it’s important to remember that you don’t have to renounce all modern social culture in order to be environmentally kind.  Italian designer Fabrizio Giugiaro reminded us of that with his design for the Toyota Alessandro Volta Hybrid in 2004.

The Volta which seats three abreast, was basically a shell design built on Toyota’s ultimate hybrid system, the 2004 Lexus RX 400.  The carbon fiber chassis combines a 3.3-liter V6 gasoline engine located behind the rear axle with two additional electric engines; one on each axle.  The team of motors provides a maximum output of 300 kW (408 bhp), which allows for a top speed of 250 km/h (155 mph), while more impressively enabling the car to accelerate from 0 to 100 km/h (0 to 62 mph) in 4.03 seconds.  Getting almost 450 miles on a tank of gas, it’s too bad this prototype never materialized as a production vehicle.  

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Why would you want this? 

I know, your parents didn’t give you enough attention as a child, so you use possessions to force fleeting glimpses of admiration from unassuming strangers in an atypical attempt to fill (if even for a microcosmic second) that void with something you call pride but we call pretentiousness.  In other words, you’re a rich prick.

Built by the 18 year old Ben J. Poss Gulak, the Uno is an electric vehicle that uses two microgyro-motors; one for turning and one for forward and backward movement.  You might remember the microgyro-motor technology from Dean Kamen’s Segway.  I’m a fan of Kamen because he’s from my home state and has the same birth day as myself; two excellent reasons to like someone.  Ben on the other hand named his two wheeled invention the “Uno”- nice job dumb ass, why didn’t you just call it the “tripod” or the “I’m a total douche bag”.

We’re just kidding Ben, we look forward to seeing what else you have in store for the future.

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The Driving LED Emoticon is a battery powered, wirelessly controlled message sign that you’ll probably only use when you’re pissed off at all those retarded drivers that should have never gotten a license in the first place.  Just attach the LED sign to your rear window via the provided suction cup then choose from five different messages on your remote.

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No, this isn’t from the new Batman movie.  The Can-Am Spyder Roadster is an actual vehicle approved for street use.  This adult sized dyslectic Big Wheels from the Bombardier company is pitched as a touring style sport bike.  Hopefully it’s as fun as I remember my big wheels being; the clutch went last month so I donated it for a tax write-off.

After inventing the snowmobile in 1958 and the personal watercraft in 1968, the Bombardier company went out on a limb once again with their newest design.  The Can-Am Spyder Roadster is a Y-configuration tricycle laid out like a snowmobile with an ATV like chassis, double-wishbone front suspension, and mono-shock rear.  It sports a five-gear motorcycle shift-box, pumps out 106 horsepower, and tags 0-60 in 4.5 seconds.  With the Mercedes-Benz SL55 covering 0-60 in 4.8 and the Porsche 997 GT2 getting it done in 3.6, the Spyder might not look so flashy, but how fast do you really want to accelerate on this weird contraption? 

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Support more than your bike with this cause conscious rack by award winning designer Fabio Pedrini. Five Bone$ will be donated to breast cancer research with every sale of the 801p pink Saris bones 3 bike carrier.

I like women that like pink; it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t match the color of your car, it’s pink! Guys on the other hand might want to find another way to contribute to breast cancer research. Pink anything on a dudes car just doesn’t work, you might as well have a sparkly pink sticker across the back of a VW Cabriolet that reads fairy god princess.

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How many times have you tried opening a beer with the miscellaneous crap in your pockets? Well, thanks to Suck UK there’ll be no more beer frothing all over the place as you once again attempt to pop the cap with your lighter. We all know your friend can do it, but you can’t, stop trying.
I love cleaver things, especially cleaver things that have a purpose.  I know there’s a million bottle openers out there, but none that I want taking up real estate on my key chain. The Key Bottle Opener on the other hand is a small versatile skeleton key; it will unlock any beer.  The only major problem with this great invention is that I have a hard time opening my road beverage when the keys are hanging from the ignition.

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Who said being a midget sucks?  Your bed doesn’t take up too much space in your room and you don’t have to pay Jesse James 100K if you want to rip around the neighborhood like Ghost Rider on peyote.  Just paste on the Henna, throw on some chaps, and jump on your 4 Stroke 125cc Diablo II Mini Chopper.  It’s fun for all ages.*
  
*Not appropriate for newborn babies. 

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Want to keep your brain in one place while tearing all over god’s creation on your overly powered crotch-rocket? Check out Shoei’s Full Face Vermeulen helmet. This is a top of the line helmet from one of the top motorcycle gear manufacturers on the planet.  The aerodynamic sculpting allows riders to keep their heads on straight whilst doubling the speed limit on those back country roads.  With “Air Scoop II” ventilation, “Breath Chamber II” anti-fogging face shield system, and a sleek appearance you’ll look and feel great before and after you get pulled over by Smokey.

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The Shelby Ultimate SSC Aero…for when 250mph just isn’t fast enough. Are you bored with your Bugatti Veyron and its wimpy 253mph max speed? Me too. Perhaps its time you finally switched to the latest in super cars and the American built SSC Aero. With its top end of 256.18 mph you’ll finally feel like a man again.

This comprehensive and practical machine is perfect for picking up the kids from their clarinet practice or racing an F-16 down the runway. Or perhaps the 1183 horsepower engine would best be suited towing the family camper to the mountains next weekend. Whatever you decide, the new snazzy Aero is an Essential addition to your garage.

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